Mojo
by Miss*H
Hey! I’m miss*H and you might recognise me from over at my blog but today I am going incognito over here as it seems a more appropriate place to post this rather on my blog with lurking men plus my significant other who likes to have a nosy every now and again.
I’m hoping you can help me all out here as I’m not sure what else to try and Mr W (the oh) gets defensive every time I bring up the subject of our dwindling sex life……
Having been together for over 8 yrs now married for over a year of that I would hope we’d still, as the ‘newlyweds’ tag dictates, be at it like rabbits but our sex life has dwindled from rampant, exhaustive, exhilarating 2 times a day to now once every few weeks at a push..but its not just the lack of sex it’s the lack of wanting sex. We both appear to have lost our libido. Maybe it’s that we’ve been together so long that this is what happens as we’ve explored everything there is to explore and now it’s just routine and almost done out of habit rather than need. I know every move and motion I tend not to bother instigating anything as it’s extremely predictable. It’s like we have a dance routine we have to stick to and we never deviate from it. The sex used to be incredible and now its just ‘meh’.
We have toys and games we’ve had for years but even now they have just become part of the tired old routine. Mr W also seems to have accepted that we pretty much have a non existent sex life and says it no longer bothers him…but I think it must. No man wants to go from all the time to never right? I’m sure his right hand has become his new best friend.
I think the majority of the problem is my non existent body confidence. He assures me he finds me sexy but I just don’t believe it. I used to love my body but over the past few years the weight has crept up and I have wobbly bits that disgust me and I no longer feel sexy. I want to feel sexy again..I think that if I do we will both be a lot happier. Men want someone who is confident with their body don’t they?
I also feel the pressure from other couples, magazine and television programmes which sounds ridiculous but they all seem to say that if a couple isn’t having sex their relationship is doomed. Therefore are we passed our sell by date as a couple? Shouldn’t sex still be passionate and exhilarating every time (and more importantly regular)?
How do I get my libido back?
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Generally men couldn’t give a toss if you’re confident with your body so long as you want to do them.
If neither of you are initiating then it would seem it isn’t just you who has issues internally. It’s hard to look at someone’s marriage from the outside and make judgements but if you aren’t happy then do something about it; for yourself.
Also talk to Mr W, tell him that you feel un-confident and not sexy so you have decided to do x, y and z about it. Ask him if he feels the same or similar or anything and if he’d like you to help him do anything about it or if he wants to sort his issues on his own. Once you’ve worked on yourselves then you can look at getting back to your bodice ripping best
Oh my… not sure at the moment this is my ‘field’…. but I know what you mean with the feeling sexy.
But you know what….when you’re naked and there’s boobs and things on show..your man certainly isn’t looking and thinking that it all looks wobbly!
Get something nice and sexy that you feel good in…a nice basque and french knickers or something….and do things that make you feel good…waxing, maincure, hair done etc. The nicer you feel, the more you’ll feel like it
xx
I don’t think sex has to be passionate and exhilerating every single time. Not at all. Plus, you may only have been married for a year, but you’ve been together for 8!!
Sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship but it sounds like it’s you that’s not happy that you’re not having sex, rather than your other half? Maybe plan a romantic evening together? Greet him at the door in some lingerie?
Thanks everyone all good ideas. We’re still affectionate in other ways, holding hands, kisses etc its just that there’s no sex and neither of us appears to want it however I think Mr W holds back because he doesn’t want to push me and then I worry if he’s holding back recently because of things I have told him so is worried I might freak out (see blog for details). When we first got together and before Mr W I would literally do anything to please a man because I had a distorted image in my head that women are there to serve, but no all of my secrets have come out I feel like I don’t have to be that person anymore. Mr W says that its just because he is so tired that’s ex is the last thing on his mind when he gets in from work and I feel the same.
If I’ve been drinking my sex drive comes back with vengeance and I feel good about myself and the sex is great because my inhibitions have gone but I don’t think the solution is for me to get drunk every night
Probably the best route would be for me to visit the crisis centre and then maybe I can work it all out in my head and go back to enjoying sex/wanting it with a great man instead of seeing it as something bad because of a few years ago…which is when it all went downhill.
I’ve not read your blog before (on my way over there now) but from what you say in your post and your follow-up comment, you seem like a lovely couple. Although sex is an important part of a relationship, it is sometimes difficult to remember that it really isn’t the be-all and end-all. Aside from the sex issue, your relationship seems fine – try not to lose sight of that.
It’s a shame that W gets defensive when you try to talk about things, because I think talking might be the best way forward for both of you, as well as trying new things to reignite your sex drives. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mention that sex has become like a tired dance routine – it’s the routine you have to break, I guess.
Try making sex into a game. For example, have a “No-Sex Sex Week”, where you schedule an hour (or less if you’re short of time) a day of naked time in bed, talking (this is important) and playing around (if it happens, but don’t force it), but with the acknowledgement that you’re not allowed to (or don’t have to) have sex. This takes the pressure off both of you, but also means that you’ll both be enticed by what you can’t have.
Also, I think PJB’s suggestion of getting yourself some nice underwear, etc, to boost your confidence. Try not to rely on W or your sex life for confidence boosts – the strongest confidence comes from the way you feel about yourself, not the way others feel about you.
Please come back and update us on how things go!
http://blueskies2day.wordpress.com
I think you’re normal, but please don’t assume this is the way it’s going to be forever. You may have to use a few seduction techniques to start with, but once your libido is reawoken, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t find sex as much, or more, exciting as ever.
Do love your body though. I wonder if your man knows how you feel? It may be that he likes you the way you are or it doesn’t makes any difference to how he feels, but if you really feel bad about it, how about doing something? If you lose a bit of weight and take some exercise, believe me, you’ll feel sexier. And if you don’t feel strongly enough about it to do that, then accept yourself. Would you despise your best friend for putting on a few pounds? Be your best girlfriend.
I’ve been married for donkey’s years, sometimes our sex life has dwindled but we always reignite it. Sex goes on throughout a marriage, for many decades, if you want it too. But probably not every night.
This happened in my last long relationship and we didn’t talk about it, eventually leading to us breaking up. I guess i learnt from this that 1) its easy to get into this situation and 2) very easy not to talk about it.
When it started happening in my current relationship i forced the issue and whilst things are not always brilliant we do accept down periods and that it does come back if you take it slowly and not expect it to come back straight away.
Raise the issue, say you want it to come back and take things slowly. Don’t try that night for a start! Find out what makes you feel sexy – whether thats underwear, wine or some form of exercise and then when you do feel sexy, jump on him, he wont say no!
You’ll be surprised at just how bloomin’ sexy your body is to your man with or without your ‘imperfections’. Men see bodies not as distinct parts like us ladies do (the wobbly thighs, the flabby tummy or whatever) but as a whole thing (the ratios, the proportions) rather more like the way you look at a face not as distinct, separate features (ever spoken to someone who is obsessively concerned about their nose or their eyebrows?) but as a whole thing.
The good news about that is that although your weight may go up or down, your overall shapes stays much the same so gaining or losing a little now and then doesn’t destroy the overall picture (unless it’s a LOT and I mean a few stone). So I think you can be fairly certain that while you may not always FEEL sexy, you probably still look it.
Of course, feeling sexy is (for us women at least) absolutely vital to libido and unlike men, can’t just use our eyes to ignite the passion, we use our minds/feelings to do that.
If your chappie is getting defensive about it, maybe it’s the way it’s brought up. Remember that we’re not the only ones with niggling insecurities. Reassure him the lack of rampant sex is not a reflection on HIS desirability either but some sort of state you’ve fallen into.
You could try reigniting the trust and sex-appeal and seduction aspect of sex (rather than the getting down the business, working toward the orgasm, ho hum) by going through all the stages but NOT the sex and working up towards it again. Or by setting up sexual surprises (new undies, new locations like a swish hotel) like you’re trying to reseduce him all over again (with your new, slightly larger but still eminentaly sexy body). If you’d met him at your current size, he’d probably still fancy you. Take him to a hotel and find out.
I’d also like to add that sometimes couples fall into a routine of standardised roles (kinda like: my man always does the vaccuming while I’m one who always does the laundry. It would be ‘weird’ if he suddenly did my stuff or I just spontaneously did his) and then people get stuck into these standardised, not articulated but somehow silently negotiated, roles. This is how couples end up in that situation where he feels he always initiates and she feels she can’t make a move or be ‘naughty’without getting some funny looks from him. Ths can be reversed by escalating naughtiness over a few weeks, though. Gets the power back. I quite like making my chap feel I’m chasing him around the bedroom sometimes and I know he likes that, too. Sometimes I’m ‘acting out’ that role if I notice I’ve been too passive recently. He has to feel desirable too, after all. It also reminds me how much I fancy him when I do.
I am by no way an expert in this field as I never had very long term relationships.
I do know that after awhile it becomes less frequent.
I think everyone is right about a man does not care when a women is naked and wants him, their system works in a different way.
I agree, get yourself something nice and things that make you feel fucking great and then you will see, that sexy confidence will just come right back
thanks again ladies for all of the suggestions. ‘anotherblogger’ are you a sex thearapit/agony aunt by any chance? If not you should definately think about a change of career it…your advice is excellent!
I’m happy to report that after posting that I’ve been feeling much better about myself and things have improved greatly in the bedroom department