I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand
Hi, I am the Tambourine Queen.
As of lately I been wanting to find a place where I can blog about love, relationship and sex and it being suitable, where I also can ask my boyfriend not to read, or simply not tell him.
So I thought this is the perfect place.
This will be a bit long post since it also is a introduction for those who never read my blog.
Up untill 7 months ago I was a single woman who for years struggled to find a real relationship. I was expert in self destruction and also my choice of men was not always healthy choice emotionally. My self destructing path almost destroyed me 2 years ago, but prozac and therapy came.
I had a weakness for musicians and working in entertainment, I met my fair share of rockers, in fact my friends gave me the nickname “the real Penny Lane” for a good reason.
I tell you this much, dating a famous musician will test you in so many ways. Mostly it left me with not wanting anyone to be too close to me, preferably a long distance relationship to protect my fragile heart.
BUT then Wonderboy came in and everything lifted.
Wonderboy, a boy from England who turned out to have all the qualities I wanted in a man and the great part is; he was not a tortured artist or musician. In fact he has a normal life.
He showed me what a real relationship is. From the moment we first spoke we clicked.
After dating 3 weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend in the most romantic way, he got down on his knees and proposed if I would be in official relationship with him.
After 3 months we moved in together. There is nothing I hide from him, he reads my blogs and encourages me to do so everyday, even though it might be personal. There is nothing I cant ask him and I know details on how many women he slept with down to his sexual behaviour with all his exes and how their relationship was like.
Normally that would not be something I would want to know but because it is so honest and pure and secure it makes us even closer.
Still, I am learning.
This being my first ever real secure relationship I learn everyday and I get lost at times on my own behaviour since my past has not been too normal.
So yeah I do need a place like SLG to ponder if my behaviour is normal and how to build myself up and tell tales about things I get stuck on in my relationship, I am a master of feeling I dont deserve things.
Right. So that was a short introduction.
So everything has been just beautiful, yet as time passes I feel the fear building up.
See, I know it varies from relationship to relationship. Yet I wonder when is it normal to tell someone you love them?
After 7 months he has still not told me those 3 words, yet I can feel that he does through his actions.
For me, saying “I love you on my cock” does not count.
So why do I need to hear it so bad when he reassures me of our future? We have time for it all to happen
Maybe because I cant remember the last time a man told me he loved me, well, my ex did 4 months after we broke up but in a more as a friend way, so it doesnt count.
Its becoming harder because there are moments I want to scream it too him yet I refuse to be the first.
Yes, it is stupid but I am old school like that. There is no way I can say it because I am so afraid. My past has made me fear it.
Yet I wish nothing more than just hear him say it, I dont understand why I need that sort when we are happy and live together?
Him not saying it makes me insecure, like he is not sure, and I know LOVE is not just something you tell someone.
I know that because we moved in together so fast, the next big milestone would be
“I love you.”
So maybe he is holding on to that, knowing we are together and happy he doesnt feel its time.
Or simply maybe he doesnt feel that kind of LOVE yet.
Lately this has caused little difficulties because he doesnt get it why when after we argue and make up I am still sad, like I need those 3 words to be a band aid to heal the small scratches. He asks me what is wrong and it is the one thing I cant give him an honest answer. I want it to come from him when he is ready without feeling he needs to say because of my need to hear it.
Or am I honestly asking for too much too fast?
So I ask:
In your relationship, past or present how long did it take for the I LOVE YOU to come out?
Art imitates life, I leave you with the lyrics to the very song I was named after which describes my state of mind.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
That’s all I want to say.
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that
You’ll understand. My Miche. .
Tambourine Queen
secretladygarden
pinkjellybaby
Fabulous
smidge
narcisisticsanonymous
I was shocked when my daughter told me that she’d never told her (then) long-term boyfriend of more than 3 years that she loved him. She said that her first, very short-term boyfriend had repeatedly said it – she knew he didn’t really, just wanted in her knickers (which he didn’t get, she chucked him). So she had never said it to any bloke. “Does he say he loves you?” I asked, and she said yes. I think maybe she did say it in the end, anyway, they’ve been married over 4 years now.
I’ve been married forever – I’m way old enough to be your mother – my husband hardly ever tells me he loves me (he does) but I say it often. It’s all right, he shows his love in what he does, but it would be lovely if he said it more. On the other hand, I can’t actually remember when he said it first. So please don’t get too hung up on the words – and if you haven’t said them either, how can he know it means a lot to you?
How about trying the teasing approach – make a game of it? At a romantic time when you’re both being playful, tease him by describing what you you think of him -he’s okay, you’re getting quite fond of him, he’s hardly annoying at all when he makes an effort, you lllll -ike him. And when you’re both laughing and kissing, just tell him you love him. And if he still doesn’t say it to you, at least you’ve protected yourself by treating it light-heartedly.
Thank you for such a great response.
I know of people who say I love you a bit too much it doesnt seem special to them anymore. I also think allot would like to hear it a bit more.
I have thought about what you suggested and I think I will give it more time before I playfully hint to him. Like you said, how does he know right?
It is another part of us we eventually will learn to know about each other as time comes. I know he is scared too so I have to be fair.
Sometimes its the little things that say I love you rather than the 3 words itself however I know that hearing those words is all anyone wants.
Maybe he’s feeling exactly the same way you are and is waiting for you to say it first? Maybe he knows what has happened to you in past relationships and being a man is not very good at reading the signs and so instead of knowing that thats what you want to hear he thinks its not and so doesn’t way them. Sometimes men can be as insecure as we women can
I’m with Miss H on this one…..maybe he’s a bit scared too?
If the little things show you he loves you, then you know he does…try and be content with that while you can, the more you worry about it and the more you let it get to you, it will show and you will do silly girl things like cause arguments on purpose because you’re frustrated about something else!
There’s no shame in saying it first. Yes, it’s scary….but your love for him isn’t dependent on his love for you, you love him regardless.
We all get our hearts broken. Sadly, that’s life…but learning that it’s ok to trust someone and letting your heart be theirs is what love is all about xx
i remember when it came out between me and the boy…we were lying in a hotel room in san francisco…and i said ‘right now it would be so easy to say those three words’ and he just said ‘i love you’. We’d been seeing each other a while at that point but not that long. I found out actually afterwards although he was ready to say those words without my prompt he wouldn’t of. I agree with Z….if you don’t say it either how does he know you are expecting it. I often find that boy doesn’t say the right things because he doesn’t realise that i need to hear them x
I’ve never been quite sure why there is such a ‘need’ to have the words reciprocated. You say that you can talk to him about anything and that he knows all about you and yet you’re too frightened of something to tell him how you actually feel about him. Is that because you’re unsure of him or just your relationship. And why do you need him to say it back to you? the whole point of being in love isn’t so that you can be told you’re loved it’s to not need to hear it to know it’s true.
words mean nothing if you force him to say them and words mean nothing if they are said without the feelings
surely it’s better to tell him how you feel and leave it there. it’s not the end fo the world if he’s not there yet…is it?
Thank you all for your comments. I really did need to let it out, you all right, especially PJB saying “your love for him isn’t dependent on his love for you, you love him regardless” and LizSara when you say “the whole point of being in love isn’t so that you can be told you’re loved it’s to not need to hear it to know it’s true.”
The other day I wrote about the meaning of relationship over at my own blog and as much as I know in heart and mind what is right, still I am insecure because like I said, it is hard for me to trust that anyone would want to actually be with me.
I know its silly, but we all have issues to deal with.
I am trying to say those words.
Hey TQ.
You could just ask him. “Do you love me?” Like Z suggests, it could be lighthearted if you wanted to protect yourself, and you’re not giving anything away of your own feelings.
Somehow, this happened with me and my boyfriend, and his answer was yes. I have no idea how long it would have been if I hadn’t asked – I don’t think he was ever planning to tell me.
Boys are sometimes strange like that, whereas girls feel like as soon as they realise they’re in love, it’s practically spilling out of their mouth, they need to say it so much. I’m not sure which is best.
All relationships are different, in the last one the three little words were said quite quickly and then only repeated at the worst possible times, the long drawn out good byes etc. I’d almost rather it wasn’t said at all than at a heartbreaking moment like that.
The long term ex and I hardly ever said it at all, but it was a different relationship, not a passionate one.
You didn’t say if your relationship was?
I think you should wait and see what happens, he’ll say it when he’s ready. It will be more special that way. Imagine if he said it three times a day. It would have lost it’s meaning by now x