What women learn from relationships
Strangely a good number of phenomenal women i know have recently gone through or are going through a breakup. From a short term relationship to the annulment of a marriage, for us girlies there is never a good time to get dumped and more often than not we are left wondering if it was something we did or what exactly happened to make the relationship break down so irrevocably.
As women i have come to the conclusion that we are programmed to blame ourselves when a relationship fails, but after speaking to the myriads of women this seems to be happening to all at once i think there might be a non-programmed reason for it happening.
Men Lie!
it’s a simple truth and one that really we all understand but actually when it comes to the reasons for ending a relationship they do it better than they have ever lied about anything.
‘It’s nothing you’ve done’
‘There’s no-one else’
‘It’s not because you put weight on/got thin’
‘it’s not you, it’s me’
‘i just don’t love you any more’
You see the truth that men don’t want us to know in case we (heaven forfend) cause a scene is as follows:
‘You’re changing into my mother and i don’t like it’
‘it’s that girl you thought it was’
‘you don’t look the same and i don’t know how to deal with it’
‘it’s you, and when i say that it’s because it’s really how i see you that’s changed but i can’t acknowledge that in my head because i’m all kinds of awesome so how could i be a fuckwit’
‘there’s a more convenient shag with a better rack’
So why does this happen? Well the predominant reason seems to be that men think if they lie it will get them out of a potentially embarrassing situation where they actually have to discuss their feelings. That and the fact they seem to think that women are too fragile to take the truth and that they just want to hear a platitude that will make it all go away for the man faster.
so what do women do…well unfortunately we don’t really help ourselves because instead of sitting the man down and rationally discussing it, we have that emotional thing (that, you know always happens when something unexpected occurs) and we can’t think of our rational discussion thoughts until later when the man is happily ignoring our calls and congratulating himself.
What can we do to change this? Well i don’t know, you tell me…please?
What are your best and worst breakup reasons and how did you react?
secretladygarden
pinkjellybaby
gemmak
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Fabulous
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tambourinequeen
I personally disagree with most of that – is there ever a good reason to give someone for breaking up with them? If they told the truth, would it sit any better with you? Who can actually rationalise and put into words that feeling when you just don’t feel the same any more?
When it comes to women blaming themselves, again, disagree. I don’t blame myself for the breakup I recently went through, nor does a good friend of mine (aged 24) who has just got a divorce from her emotionally abusive older husband. Most of the time, no one is to blame for a break up, it’s a changing of feelings and emotions, a physiological response in the brain – just because it may be one sided and hurts a hell of a lot, it doesn’t mean that anyone is to “blame.”
I know I put everything I could into my relationship, which is why even though it still ended despite me doing everything I could, I can never feel regret or blame myself for it ending. Nor do I think that men sit at home congratulating themselves after a break up, not if the relationship meant anything to them anyway.
And as for lying, I know a lot of women who are up there with the men when it comes to softening the blow of splitting up with someone. But as I said to begin with, I’ve never been able to tell someone “look, I just stopped finding you attractive for some unknown reason yesterday. I’ve gone off you”.
I don’t know if we so much ‘blame’ ourselves….more we just think it’s something we have done….or we think there might have been something we could have done different when really, it’s not something we did or didn’t do….it’s just the bloke didn’t want to be with you for HIS reasons.
Jo,
Absolutely yes i would want to know the actual reason for the breakup. Why would i want to be fobbed off with platitudes that serve no purpose other than to make the situation easier for the person breaking up with me? If you can’t rationalise and put the reason for a breakup into words, no matter how hurtful they might be initially then you can’t be sure breaking up is what is the best course of action. There HAS to be a rational reason behind it, even if that reason is that the feelings have changed and aren’t going to change back.
I didn’t say women blame themselves either, i said that women who don’t get given a reason for a breakup naturally wonder if they did something to cause it, or if they had done things differently the breakup wouldn’t have happened. That’s not the same as blaming yourself, if you blame yourself you must have been given a reason to blame yourself for.
I think you misunderstood my meaning behind men congratulating themselves, i wasn’t referring to the end of the relationship, i was merely referring to the act of breaking up. All men (at least all men i have spoken to about it which is a fair number) want the end of a relationship that they are ending to be over and done with as quickly as possible. Achieving that by giving a platitudinal answer to the reasons behind it so that the women concerned can’t start a conversation about it is a congratulatory thing, as they then feel that it went as well as could be expected.
As for the last comment about lying, well that’s possibly true, i wouldn’t know. personally i couldn’t lie to someone about the reasons for breaking up with them, i believe that to learn from a relationship you have to leave it being truthful as you should have been throughout it.
I think if someone breaks up with you when you still want to be with them, whether you are male or female – you do tend to analyse every small detail to try and come to terms with it.
Ending a relationship, whatever the reason is a hard thing to do. Especially as we get older and there sometimes seems more at stake – the shared plans for a shared future, it can lead to both men & women to lie about the real reasons. I would go far as to say that sometimes you don’t even realise the real real reason until way afterwards.
In answer to your questions, I am not sure how you would have a rational and reasoned discussion in the throes of breakup which is an emotionally volatile time.
Hmm…..sketchy reasons i have given for breaking up with guys definitely include some lies…i speculate (these were many years ago now) that they went something like this:
I just don’t want a relationship right now (actually you scare the living daylights out of me and i think if i try either the truth or any other reason that you might stalk me – i was right – you stalked me anyway!)
I just don’t want a relationship right now (its just been xmas, you bought me tickets to go on the london eye and a copy of my favourite novel, i bought you a jumper – this made me realise that you like me much more than i can like you and i feel like i should break this off before i just walk all over you/snog someone else on a night out. You’d be surprised how guilty i still feel about this even 7 years later. Once in a bar, two of your female friends did a lot of pointing and whispering about me – it hurt – i deserved it. I’m sorry)
I’m just not interested anymore (actually I am but you are such an arsehole that for means of self preservation i’m walking away now. You will chase me a bit and this will somewhat repair my damaged ego, not entirely though because you clearly thought i wasn’t good enough for you)
Meanwhile i do concurr that men lie but its not exclusive to break ups. Men lie over completely unecessary everyday things rather than be caught out. My husband has a lie defense reflex like i’ve never seen! He will tell a lie before he’s even thought through the consequences/how cross i might be if i find out he didn’t infact post a letter for me/phone the builder/etc. Futhermore he’ll then make up a reason on the spot to justify said lie – they go something like ‘well it wasn’t a good time to tell you’ – which as you can imagine results in me wandering quite alot if at any given time that i’ve been slightly deceived about any manner of things! He also counter lies when he’s been caught out ‘you didn’t tell me that!!’ – ‘i did – i told you just after’ (lie!!!! i’ve have hit him if i knew said piece of information!)
with my man its such a reflex i’m way past thinking its personal – it just reminds me of a naughty child!
in a more general way though – i’m kind of with the ‘he’s just not that into you’ way of thinking. if a guy gives you a lame excuse/suspected lie its a good excuse to move on p- not like theres a shortage of dim men out there!
I don’t know, I think once you’ve split up with someone, you should just let it go, for the sake of your pride if nothing else. if you want to beat yourself up, do it in private, re read emails, texts, look at photos until you are satisfied. But do not ask for an explanation. What’s the point? When the person is finally gone, hopefully you will be left with good memories, not a hurtful parting dig. No?